* you broke my heart * [silent cries]

Monday, May 23, 2005

*::Loong weekend::*

I'm at nani's house right now. Its been a pretty eventful weekend. Here's an update..

[Friday]

I went for piano ensemble's concert. It was pretty good. I thought the teacher's choir was very nice too. Lots of fun. Kudos to janyz, daphne and pei yee for a job well done. Congrats girls!! We went to R.K Eating Hse after that to eat..was rushing to get home after the last time. Wanted to avoid another explosion at home.

[Saturday]

I was supposed to go for guides. I was told to report at the suntec city convection centre lobby at 8am. I was late as usual so i cabbed down. It cost me $7!! Anyway, i got there at 8.10am and I saw no one. I mean I saw a group of people but I wasn't sure if they were the ones. In any case, i saw no other guides at all. I kept calling guides house but they couldn't give me any instructions or details. I waited till 9am before I gave up. I walked around suntec for a little while before I went over to char's place. We worked on the jigsaw for a little while and then decided to go out.
She took forever to get ready. She took out like all her clothes and changed over 15 times!!! And the best thing was, we hadn't even decided where to go yet!!!
In the end we went to fork and spoon to eat. Aaron met us there and the two of them went to play lan.

[Sunday]

There was a big mess at home. I don't think I've ever cried like that before. Literally sobbing my heart out. And in front of everyone. I didn't mean to and even now I wonder why I reacted so strongly. Feel a little embarrased about it but a little part of me feels kinda glad that I was so free with my emotions. I dunno..but it was tough and i was really unhappy. Kept tearing and it was like I couldn't stop crying.
After that I went to meet char at kfc. We were supposed to study but we didn't really do much. Did a little of greg's article before Char went to meet her friends to play lan.

[Monday]

Cleared things up with Khala. I wouldn't really say it went smoothly but at least its over. Am glad for some peace even if its like a facade just as it always is. Hmm..temporary reprieve.
In any case, I really should knuckle down and start studying. Need to make my study schedule and all. Really wanna do better for my mid-years. Starting to freak out...seriously..haiz~
Whatever...tired

surrounded by silence..`
[12:59 AM]

Thursday, May 19, 2005

*::haiz::*

Hey,

its been ages since i last blogged. been really busy.

not feeling too good now actually

school's been full of crap

every damn teacher is mad at us and is coming down hard on us

more work, more headaches, more test and no time to really get started studying.

yuck.

sux

surrounded by silence..`
[6:34 AM]

Saturday, May 14, 2005

*::yippee::*

Today has been quite a fun day

Met up with mar in the morning. Chillaxed at toa payoh. ]

We went to watch 'House of Wax'. Its quite a sick show lah. Lots of gross images.
ick..and we were like practically alone in the theatre. Just one other guy there so it was pretty creepy. Kept imagining stuff around me. Its actually quite a silly show.
Gross and a little freaky but dumb. Saving graces would be all the eye candy.
there's Chad Michael Murray and Dean from Gilmore girls ( who is like the first to die so its damn sad).
There's Paris Hilton who runs around in her red underwear and another girl who looks like Kirsten Dunst.

Plotwise?
Revolves around two demented, previously conjoined brothers turning everyone in their town into wax figurines so as to complete their mother's legacy as a wax sculptress. And the wax figurines are placed in a house made literally of wax.

Whatever. Creepy.
Blame it on Mar's fascination with sick, disgusting gross horror shows. I will never understand her willingness to pay money to scare herself senseless and watch potentially nightmarish scenes.
How is that entertainment? Lolz.. it wasn't that bad lah.

But I think the movie prices are really quite expensive. We went all the way to Eng Wah cos we thought it would be cheaper but its the same price everywhere.

My economic analysis of the situatuon is that its obviously a tacit collusion between the oligopolistic movie distributors. Blame mr nandwani for making us do all those articles. Makes me find e economics in things around me..haha

After the movie, we went to fork and spoon. I think its damn cool! There's so much variety and all the food looks really interesting.I had this tom yam mee hoon thing that was pretty good. yum yum. I think its nicer than banquet!
Then we went for college day. Was very boring. Speeches after speeches. But I got $40 worth of Times vouchers for topping the cohort in GP so that's pretty cool! Mar got like a checque for 300 buckeroos. She owes me half or else i shall just rob her. haha..

That was pretty much my day. Haven't done my hw! So notti. Must buck up
Looking forward to watching kingdom of heaven on mon with the class!!

Thats all for now. Signing off

surrounded by silence..`
[7:43 AM]

Friday, May 13, 2005

*::well-rested::*

Hey,

I didn't go to school today. Woke up feeling feverish and all but I actually planned on going to school. I just thought i'd get a little shut-eye but by the time I got up it was like 9 o'clock! Lolz..its quite funny lah. Anyway, so what did I do today? Nothing much actually. Just lazed around and rested myself. Felt very peaceful at the end of it all. My sis says i wasted the day but i think it was good for me.

A lot of stuff happened yesterday. I went back early but was apprehensive abt going home. When i was sitting with Char and Mar at the bench near the gate, Baji sent me a msg and i was struggling not to tear up. Same thing on the bus on the way back.

When I got back, a lot of things happened. At first I thought nothing had changed, then Baji came to talk to me. We said a lot of things and cried a whole lot. Then Ummi came and said a lot of things too. Opened my eyes and made me realize that mebbe i'm not seeing everything. that i'm not being fair. I saw things differently and I think that things got better. But yah, I cried a whole lot more. It was a very emotionally draining day. Coupled with my mental exhaustion, it was a damn tiring day. And I didn't manage to get the rest that i was planning on.

Which explains why i had a splitting headache and felt feverish in the morning. Too much happening emotionally and mentally. I guess I really needed this time off or i'll just implode!!

So, things are picking up for me now. Hope it gets better. Really hope my life gets back on track and I get some semblance of normalcy.

Thanks to u for being there for me. I meant what i said to u."I'm glad I have you"

And to u: Im glad i've had the chance to tell you. Prefer being honest and open with u. Thanks for being patient with me.

Lotsa love to all. I shall be happier nowadays i hope.

surrounded by silence..`
[7:32 AM]

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

*::bittersweet::*

Hey,

I'm in the library now with mar and char. Skipped geog lecture cos i'm really tired. It was so hard to stay awake during econs tutorial just now.
Anyway, i'm sure you're wondering how the acjc intercollegiates went. It was quite ok i guess. As usual we won one debate and lost the other. We won against AJC but lost the one against NJC. I think it was a close fight and if we had better grasped the change in case and been more firm at it or at least worked it out and finalized it earlier, we stood a good chance of winning the NJC debate. In any case, the top 4 schools are really predictable with only one exception. So this is how the ranking looks after the preliminaries.
1st- VJC
2nd- SAJC (a bit of a surprise cos they haven't really been performing that well in the past year)
3rd- RJC
4th- HCJC

Performance wise, I think we did ok. Sadhana was pretty good as usual. She won best speaker for the AJ debate. Congrats girl!! Wee keat improved quite a bit. I think I was alright. Wasn't my best but not altogether that bad either. I'm quite satisfied in that sense.

The thing is, while prepping was a pain in the butt and its really stressful and tiring, when I was itting in that chair going against NJ, a part of me was thinking.."this could be the one. the one debate or competition where we, NYJC breaks free of our average status and prove that we're a force to be reckoned with" Why? We knew their case. It was identical to our own opp. We kinda felt like we knew what needed to be rebutted and addressed but somehow the debate got really messy in the end.

I can see why we lost it. The adjudicator was really good and clear at explaining where we were lacking and why we lost. Its mainly because we didn't protect our stand as fiercely as we should and we got sidetracked along the way. Oh well, it was definately a good effort and I'm proud of my team. Kudos to all. We put up a good fight and can walk away happy and proud of our efforts. I'm glad we got the oppurtunity to debate together.

Sadhana- i'm glad we went in and had this one last competition together. You're an excellent debater, fantastic company and a great friend too!! Lotsa love babe
For the rest: joel, wee keat, ray
This type of experience and exposure is priceless and you learn so much from it. Just keep working at it, keep trying and improving and honestly, you'll learn valuable lessons

To all who came down to support: Char, Shan, Ed, Collen, Yiwen, Mar, the teachers
Thanks for everything. It makes us feel so much better to have some support! You guys were really encouraging and were with us all the way! Thanks a million!!

So now, its all over. I've got to tuck away my debate book and hang up my debating gear. I'm out of the debate circuit--probably for good. I don't regret it. I may have lost the passion for debating recently, especially with debate soc floundering and dwindling before my eyes but getting back up there yesterday and speaking reminded me why I was in it the first place. To appreciate the intricacies of language. To be sharp, quick witted, cut throat and precise. The heat of the argument, the thrill of the competition. The satisfaction upon delivering a good argument, upon executing a good rebuttal---all incredible experiences that i truly treasure. These are all skills and experiences that I will take away with me for life. Its shaped the way I think, developed my thought processes and given me so much. That's why leaving and stepping down seems so bittersweet. Its sad to be letting go now but it has to be done. I'm just glad I had the chance and experience in the first place!

The morning was bad.
Blow-up. Biggest so far
Pretty bad
hate it. still don't get it
what do they want from me?
nothing i do is right..
can't live like this
can't fight everyone on all sides.
i won't make it past this yr like this
whateva
fffd-up

Contradictions right here in my blog. Literal represention of the contradiction within.
Whatever
Signing off..

surrounded by silence..`
[7:21 PM]

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

*::heya::*

Hey,

Its tuesday today. I'm sitting in the computer lab now, taking a few minutes out of my debate time to blog. I meant to blog yesterday but I fell asleep almost immediately after I got home. Was really tired.

In any case, I had debate yesterday of course. Competition is tomorrow!!!! Dying! The speeches aren't even out yet! We're really not as prepared as we should be. The team has changed. Alvin wants out cos he's got a very hectic schedule and too many commitments. So the team now consists of : Me., Sadhana, Wee Keat, Joel n Ray

We had a trial run with our soon to be new coach as well. I've forgotten her name. I think its Sharada? Anyway, she was pretty good and she helped us to run through our case. It went smoothly and all and she helped clarify alot of questions and strengthen our case. But midway, i think, dhana had this point that many of us didn't agree on and we spent almost an hr and a half arguing and arguing and arguing! Of course initially it was frustrating but ( will i sound strange to say this?) i found it quite fun. Its really enjoyable to fight for what you believe is right tooth and nail. It reminded me of the times that jacob and vivek would argue until they almost came to blows. In a strangely odd and twisted way, thats one of the most enjoyable aspects of debating. haha..strange but true and for a while,I felt my passion for debate return. Then I remembered that I have to compete next week and it all fizzles out. Quite scared lah~ hope we can get the speeches ready later and be more prepared

Ian and charmaine were really sweet yesterday. I think they read my previous entries that i wrote when i was feeling down and decided to cheer me up. They both gave me cards with such lovely messages and even gave me chocs!! The dove amicelli one that i really like too!!! So happy~
I really appreciate the gesture guys. I was honestly moved to tears. It really warms my heart that you would do something like that for me just to make me happy and put a smile on my face. I'll admit that the past 2 weeks have been emotionally rough for me and the fact you guys would go to such lengths to cheer me up touches me more than anything. And it was so sudden and unexpected too!! I can't thank you enough for being that ray of sunshine that breaks the storms clouds away. Thanks so very very very Much!
And thanks for the poem too,Ian. Meant alot to me =)
Love you guys loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads loads and loads and loads and loads and loads!!!!
(This could go on forever so you'll just have tofill in the rest urself! lolz)

Having said that, I do feel guilty cos you guys are definitely having your own issues and mine are definitely relatively smaller in comparisn! So, when ur feeling down or unhappy, rmb that i'm right here too. you guys can definitely make it through whatever difficulty that comes in your path okie. don't be discouraged ya!

Thats pretty much all. yeap. still got a lot of hw and debate things to do
shall sign off now

surrounded by silence..`
[12:18 AM]

Saturday, May 07, 2005

*::feeling better::*

Hey,

Had debate yesterday. Met up with sadhana, alvin, wee kiat and joel to work out the case. I think its definitely shaping up. On mon, our kinda coach will be coming to have a trial session with us. Should be interesting.

A part of me really wants to do really well at ACJC Intercols but the other part of me feels really frightened by it. Its been so long. I'm rusty. what if i screw things up and make a fool of myself? That would completely suck.

Spoke to baji abt things. felt much better. less alone. i think i can definitely work through this. tough but not impossible

Went to buy Mother's day gifts yesterday too. Went to j8 after debate and bought:
1) A Mrs Field's cake
2) A Soft toy flower
3) A teddy bear that can record messages. So, the three of us recorded our voices saying' "Ummi, we love u. Happy Mother's day"

Was my idea. I think its quite nice. We gave her the prezzies. She liked it I think so it went well.

Wanted to meet noraini yesterday. Tak jadi in the end

Lenesy, hope ur feeling better. I was totally going to meet u initially. I was abt to board the bus back to sch when i was msging. Then when i thought it was ok, i went to my grandma's place. am sorry. Hope at least my smses helped. You can definitely make it sunshine. i have complete faith in you. I know its tough but just reacha helping hand during the bumpy parts and u'll get through them all. I'm sorry you're hurting. wish i could change things for u but i guess its all part of life. Anyway, ur not alone aite. Luv ya to pieces!! take care of urself.

Ian, i hope nothing's wrong. Wish i could meet u but i cant get away today. If there's anything, give me a ring? Don't know what else to say--just hope that its nothing bad or serious. hope ur doing ok.

got so much to do, so much happening.
Life's a bumpy train ride that jerks and changes course most of the time. You hold on tightly to anything cos u never know where the next bump in the road will be. the stops are unexpected and u meet all kinds of ppl who come and go. Where's my next stop?

surrounded by silence..`
[11:32 PM]