Through My Looking Glass

::Loong weekend::

2005-05-23T00:59:00.000-07:00

I'm at nani's house right now. Its been a pretty eventful weekend. Here's an update..

[Friday]

I went for piano ensemble's concert. It was pretty good. I thought the teacher's choir was very nice too. Lots of fun. Kudos to janyz, daphne and pei yee for a job well done. Congrats girls!! We went to R.K Eating Hse after that to eat..was rushing to get home after the last time. Wanted to avoid another explosion at home.

[Saturday]

I was supposed to go for guides. I was told to report at the suntec city convection centre lobby at 8am. I was late as usual so i cabbed down. It cost me $7!! Anyway, i got there at 8.10am and I saw no one. I mean I saw a group of people but I wasn't sure if they were the ones. In any case, i saw no other guides at all. I kept calling guides house but they couldn't give me any instructions or details. I waited till 9am before I gave up. I walked around suntec for a little while before I went over to char's place. We worked on the jigsaw for a little while and then decided to go out.
She took forever to get ready. She took out like all her clothes and changed over 15 times!!! And the best thing was, we hadn't even decided where to go yet!!!
In the end we went to fork and spoon to eat. Aaron met us there and the two of them went to play lan.

[Sunday]

There was a big mess at home. I don't think I've ever cried like that before. Literally sobbing my heart out. And in front of everyone. I didn't mean to and even now I wonder why I reacted so strongly. Feel a little embarrased about it but a little part of me feels kinda glad that I was so free with my emotions. I dunno..but it was tough and i was really unhappy. Kept tearing and it was like I couldn't stop crying.
After that I went to meet char at kfc. We were supposed to study but we didn't really do much. Did a little of greg's article before Char went to meet her friends to play lan.

[Monday]

Cleared things up with Khala. I wouldn't really say it went smoothly but at least its over. Am glad for some peace even if its like a facade just as it always is. Hmm..temporary reprieve.
In any case, I really should knuckle down and start studying. Need to make my study schedule and all. Really wanna do better for my mid-years. Starting to freak out...seriously..haiz~
Whatever...tired

::haiz::

2005-05-19T06:34:00.000-07:00

Hey,

its been ages since i last blogged. been really busy.

not feeling too good now actually

school's been full of crap

every damn teacher is mad at us and is coming down hard on us

more work, more headaches, more test and no time to really get started studying.

yuck.

sux

::yippee::

2005-05-14T07:43:00.000-07:00

Today has been quite a fun day

Met up with mar in the morning. Chillaxed at toa payoh. ]

We went to watch 'House of Wax'. Its quite a sick show lah. Lots of gross images.
ick..and we were like practically alone in the theatre. Just one other guy there so it was pretty creepy. Kept imagining stuff around me. Its actually quite a silly show.
Gross and a little freaky but dumb. Saving graces would be all the eye candy.
there's Chad Michael Murray and Dean from Gilmore girls ( who is like the first to die so its damn sad).
There's Paris Hilton who runs around in her red underwear and another girl who looks like Kirsten Dunst.

Plotwise?
Revolves around two demented, previously conjoined brothers turning everyone in their town into wax figurines so as to complete their mother's legacy as a wax sculptress. And the wax figurines are placed in a house made literally of wax.

Whatever. Creepy.
Blame it on Mar's fascination with sick, disgusting gross horror shows. I will never understand her willingness to pay money to scare herself senseless and watch potentially nightmarish scenes.
How is that entertainment? Lolz.. it wasn't that bad lah.

But I think the movie prices are really quite expensive. We went all the way to Eng Wah cos we thought it would be cheaper but its the same price everywhere.

My economic analysis of the situatuon is that its obviously a tacit collusion between the oligopolistic movie distributors. Blame mr nandwani for making us do all those articles. Makes me find e economics in things around me..haha

After the movie, we went to fork and spoon. I think its damn cool! There's so much variety and all the food looks really interesting.I had this tom yam mee hoon thing that was pretty good. yum yum. I think its nicer than banquet!
Then we went for college day. Was very boring. Speeches after speeches. But I got $40 worth of Times vouchers for topping the cohort in GP so that's pretty cool! Mar got like a checque for 300 buckeroos. She owes me half or else i shall just rob her. haha..

That was pretty much my day. Haven't done my hw! So notti. Must buck up
Looking forward to watching kingdom of heaven on mon with the class!!

Thats all for now. Signing off

::well-rested::

2005-05-13T07:32:00.000-07:00

Hey,

I didn't go to school today. Woke up feeling feverish and all but I actually planned on going to school. I just thought i'd get a little shut-eye but by the time I got up it was like 9 o'clock! Lolz..its quite funny lah. Anyway, so what did I do today? Nothing much actually. Just lazed around and rested myself. Felt very peaceful at the end of it all. My sis says i wasted the day but i think it was good for me.

A lot of stuff happened yesterday. I went back early but was apprehensive abt going home. When i was sitting with Char and Mar at the bench near the gate, Baji sent me a msg and i was struggling not to tear up. Same thing on the bus on the way back.

When I got back, a lot of things happened. At first I thought nothing had changed, then Baji came to talk to me. We said a lot of things and cried a whole lot. Then Ummi came and said a lot of things too. Opened my eyes and made me realize that mebbe i'm not seeing everything. that i'm not being fair. I saw things differently and I think that things got better. But yah, I cried a whole lot more. It was a very emotionally draining day. Coupled with my mental exhaustion, it was a damn tiring day. And I didn't manage to get the rest that i was planning on.

Which explains why i had a splitting headache and felt feverish in the morning. Too much happening emotionally and mentally. I guess I really needed this time off or i'll just implode!!

So, things are picking up for me now. Hope it gets better. Really hope my life gets back on track and I get some semblance of normalcy.

Thanks to u for being there for me. I meant what i said to u."I'm glad I have you"

And to u: Im glad i've had the chance to tell you. Prefer being honest and open with u. Thanks for being patient with me.

Lotsa love to all. I shall be happier nowadays i hope.

::bittersweet::

2005-05-11T19:21:00.000-07:00

Hey,

I'm in the library now with mar and char. Skipped geog lecture cos i'm really tired. It was so hard to stay awake during econs tutorial just now.
Anyway, i'm sure you're wondering how the acjc intercollegiates went. It was quite ok i guess. As usual we won one debate and lost the other. We won against AJC but lost the one against NJC. I think it was a close fight and if we had better grasped the change in case and been more firm at it or at least worked it out and finalized it earlier, we stood a good chance of winning the NJC debate. In any case, the top 4 schools are really predictable with only one exception. So this is how the ranking looks after the preliminaries.
1st- VJC
2nd- SAJC (a bit of a surprise cos they haven't really been performing that well in the past year)
3rd- RJC
4th- HCJC

Performance wise, I think we did ok. Sadhana was pretty good as usual. She won best speaker for the AJ debate. Congrats girl!! Wee keat improved quite a bit. I think I was alright. Wasn't my best but not altogether that bad either. I'm quite satisfied in that sense.

The thing is, while prepping was a pain in the butt and its really stressful and tiring, when I was itting in that chair going against NJ, a part of me was thinking.."this could be the one. the one debate or competition where we, NYJC breaks free of our average status and prove that we're a force to be reckoned with" Why? We knew their case. It was identical to our own opp. We kinda felt like we knew what needed to be rebutted and addressed but somehow the debate got really messy in the end.

I can see why we lost it. The adjudicator was really good and clear at explaining where we were lacking and why we lost. Its mainly because we didn't protect our stand as fiercely as we should and we got sidetracked along the way. Oh well, it was definately a good effort and I'm proud of my team. Kudos to all. We put up a good fight and can walk away happy and proud of our efforts. I'm glad we got the oppurtunity to debate together.

Sadhana- i'm glad we went in and had this one last competition together. You're an excellent debater, fantastic company and a great friend too!! Lotsa love babe
For the rest: joel, wee keat, ray
This type of experience and exposure is priceless and you learn so much from it. Just keep working at it, keep trying and improving and honestly, you'll learn valuable lessons

To all who came down to support: Char, Shan, Ed, Collen, Yiwen, Mar, the teachers
Thanks for everything. It makes us feel so much better to have some support! You guys were really encouraging and were with us all the way! Thanks a million!!

So now, its all over. I've got to tuck away my debate book and hang up my debating gear. I'm out of the debate circuit--probably for good. I don't regret it. I may have lost the passion for debating recently, especially with debate soc floundering and dwindling before my eyes but getting back up there yesterday and speaking reminded me why I was in it the first place. To appreciate the intricacies of language. To be sharp, quick witted, cut throat and precise. The heat of the argument, the thrill of the competition. The satisfaction upon delivering a good argument, upon executing a good rebuttal---all incredible experiences that i truly treasure. These are all skills and experiences that I will take away with me for life. Its shaped the way I think, developed my thought processes and given me so much. That's why leaving and stepping down seems so bittersweet. Its sad to be letting go now but it has to be done. I'm just glad I had the chance and experience in the first place!

The morning was bad.
Blow-up. Biggest so far
Pretty bad
hate it. still don't get it
what do they want from me?
nothing i do is right..
can't live like this
can't fight everyone on all sides.
i won't make it past this yr like this
whateva
fffd-up

Contradictions right here in my blog. Literal represention of the contradiction within.
Whatever
Signing off..

::heya::

2005-05-10T00:18:00.000-07:00

Hey,

Its tuesday today. I'm sitting in the computer lab now, taking a few minutes out of my debate time to blog. I meant to blog yesterday but I fell asleep almost immediately after I got home. Was really tired.

In any case, I had debate yesterday of course. Competition is tomorrow!!!! Dying! The speeches aren't even out yet! We're really not as prepared as we should be. The team has changed. Alvin wants out cos he's got a very hectic schedule and too many commitments. So the team now consists of : Me., Sadhana, Wee Keat, Joel n Ray

We had a trial run with our soon to be new coach as well. I've forgotten her name. I think its Sharada? Anyway, she was pretty good and she helped us to run through our case. It went smoothly and all and she helped clarify alot of questions and strengthen our case. But midway, i think, dhana had this point that many of us didn't agree on and we spent almost an hr and a half arguing and arguing and arguing! Of course initially it was frustrating but ( will i sound strange to say this?) i found it quite fun. Its really enjoyable to fight for what you believe is right tooth and nail. It reminded me of the times that jacob and vivek would argue until they almost came to blows. In a strangely odd and twisted way, thats one of the most enjoyable aspects of debating. haha..strange but true and for a while,I felt my passion for debate return. Then I remembered that I have to compete next week and it all fizzles out. Quite scared lah~ hope we can get the speeches ready later and be more prepared

Ian and charmaine were really sweet yesterday. I think they read my previous entries that i wrote when i was feeling down and decided to cheer me up. They both gave me cards with such lovely messages and even gave me chocs!! The dove amicelli one that i really like too!!! So happy~
I really appreciate the gesture guys. I was honestly moved to tears. It really warms my heart that you would do something like that for me just to make me happy and put a smile on my face. I'll admit that the past 2 weeks have been emotionally rough for me and the fact you guys would go to such lengths to cheer me up touches me more than anything. And it was so sudden and unexpected too!! I can't thank you enough for being that ray of sunshine that breaks the storms clouds away. Thanks so very very very Much!
And thanks for the poem too,Ian. Meant alot to me =)
Love you guys loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads loads and loads and loads and loads and loads!!!!
(This could go on forever so you'll just have tofill in the rest urself! lolz)

Having said that, I do feel guilty cos you guys are definitely having your own issues and mine are definitely relatively smaller in comparisn! So, when ur feeling down or unhappy, rmb that i'm right here too. you guys can definitely make it through whatever difficulty that comes in your path okie. don't be discouraged ya!

Thats pretty much all. yeap. still got a lot of hw and debate things to do
shall sign off now

::feeling better::

2005-05-07T23:32:00.000-07:00

Hey,

Had debate yesterday. Met up with sadhana, alvin, wee kiat and joel to work out the case. I think its definitely shaping up. On mon, our kinda coach will be coming to have a trial session with us. Should be interesting.

A part of me really wants to do really well at ACJC Intercols but the other part of me feels really frightened by it. Its been so long. I'm rusty. what if i screw things up and make a fool of myself? That would completely suck.

Spoke to baji abt things. felt much better. less alone. i think i can definitely work through this. tough but not impossible

Went to buy Mother's day gifts yesterday too. Went to j8 after debate and bought:
1) A Mrs Field's cake
2) A Soft toy flower
3) A teddy bear that can record messages. So, the three of us recorded our voices saying' "Ummi, we love u. Happy Mother's day"

Was my idea. I think its quite nice. We gave her the prezzies. She liked it I think so it went well.

Wanted to meet noraini yesterday. Tak jadi in the end

Lenesy, hope ur feeling better. I was totally going to meet u initially. I was abt to board the bus back to sch when i was msging. Then when i thought it was ok, i went to my grandma's place. am sorry. Hope at least my smses helped. You can definitely make it sunshine. i have complete faith in you. I know its tough but just reacha helping hand during the bumpy parts and u'll get through them all. I'm sorry you're hurting. wish i could change things for u but i guess its all part of life. Anyway, ur not alone aite. Luv ya to pieces!! take care of urself.

Ian, i hope nothing's wrong. Wish i could meet u but i cant get away today. If there's anything, give me a ring? Don't know what else to say--just hope that its nothing bad or serious. hope ur doing ok.

got so much to do, so much happening.
Life's a bumpy train ride that jerks and changes course most of the time. You hold on tightly to anything cos u never know where the next bump in the road will be. the stops are unexpected and u meet all kinds of ppl who come and go. Where's my next stop?

::messed up::

2005-05-06T08:32:00.000-07:00

Barely a few seconds ago I was going to title this blog 'feeling great' but that ain't true any more so i had to change it.

So, the good before the bad or vice versa?

I'll get done with the good stuff first. Initially, I was feeling great cos I just got back from drama's performance 'Oz'. It was pretty good and I really enjoyed myself. I thought it could have been better if it were clearer cos some parts were hard to catch.

In any case, here are all the fab parts.
Aaron was great!! Really cool, snazzy and cute.
Fazli sang so well..was so moved by his voice.
The jazz music was fantastic! A live band was a great idea!!
Ravin, the wicked witch, was amazing beyond belief!!! She's really excellently cast.
Hashi was such a great mom! had the role down pat. just needed to be louder!
costumes were excellent!!!!!!
Terry was such a cute tin man. pure comic relief
Jane was really good too! She played so many roles very convincingly!
Shantini and Su Zhen did a great job backstage too!!!

Overall, it had a really fun feel and was definitely a good production!!! so coool!!

After the performance, we met all our classmates and gave them flowers. I congratulated everyone and gave them hugs! We took a class pic with miss kwok and even cheered for A2 ! It was pretty loud. rocked the LT man! Kudos to all. Love u guys loads!! So fun!!!

Then me, ed, janyz, noraini, jerry, aaron, ian, mar, fazli and some of his friends went to serangoon gardens to have supper. We had a great time chit-chatting and chilling and joking around. Noraini got along so well with everyone. It was amazing! She only met them for a couple of mins and they were talking like old frenz! Must be her bubbly and approachable personality! Only added to the fun!!

So, i was feeling pretty happy just now. in a real good mood.
then it went. just like that. after she said what she said

Actually, i've been feeling pretty icky most of the week. feel horrible, terrible.
Stressed over the amt of hw to be done on top of preparing for acjc intercols
Worried/Disgusted at my inability to run debate as a proper cca
Depressed at my family situation

Don't feel like saying too much about it. Just that I feel really low. i know i say this quite often here but its true. I feel so damn alone and so unhappy almost all the time. Hated going home. kept thinking suicidal thoughts. plotting some way to land in hospital. really tempted to do things i know i shouldn't. hate it. felt like swearing., which is very un-me.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

messed up. full of shit. that day when it all blew up, i was crying in the car and then had to go to sch and pretend nothing happened. put on a smile.

escapism. actually thought i forgot abt everything but i can't of course

It just made me see that it'll never get better. they'll never get it. no one will understand no matter how much i say. so helpless, hopeless. watever.

I'm not the kind to talk to talk about my feelings. I don't mean to shut myself off or fake the way i feel to the world but its just the way i deal. this is my time to vent. feel messed up and on the brink of some form of depression.

kill me pls. part of me means it. mebbe just injure me. do anything but just fix me.

:: missing me yet? ::

2005-04-29T05:42:00.000-07:00

Hey!!

Its been ages since i last blogged.
I think exactly a week.
been lazy i guess.
apologies

So, whats been happening?

the fixed factors like school and studies remain sucky so i shan't bother to moan and groan about it. take it as a given.

variable factors?

My friends have been having some situations recently.

To char, hmm..i don't quite know what else to say.
I've said it all.
I still believe your more than capable than achieving every single thing you want, once u break your ultimate barrier. None other than yourself.
Its true.
I know it may sound cheesy and cliched and all that but the reason cliches even become cliches is because they're valid, good, sound advice!
Take it as your attitude towards standing broad jump. Rmb what miss audrey said?
You know ur gonna jump and u do. Complete focus.
No second-guessing, no hesitation.
why?
cause u noe what u want, whats good for u and u go for it.
same thing. take that leap. go for it. don't hold yourself back
happiness is a state of mind right? make that choice
i know it won't be easy. you'll be down some times. it'll get hard to carry on
but you've got all of us who care so much for u, only want the best for u
love u loads babe. dun noe how else to help u.
juz doing it the only way i know how--with words.
just hope it helps. love ya to bits!

To mar, i'm happy that your happy.
that's all that really matters.
to be honest, ever since the last time, i felt the difference too.
like i felt you were pushing everyone away in some sense.
like wallowing in your sorrow alone.
never telling me or even showing it. just silence
didn't know what exactly to do.
just felt you running further and further and didnt really know why.
I want the best for you dearie.
you know ur friendship means the world to me.
you're definitely so much freer and happier now.
don't be scared to say what u need to me.
i'll never understand why u hesitate so much with me.
after everything we've been through together, just know that i'd never abandon you. no matter what happens, i'll be right there for u.*muackz*

Don't fight over small things ok. see this all the way ya. wish u guys happiness

acjc intercollegiates coming really soon. motion will be released next wed. total stress city. mixed feelings of dread and excitement.
hope it goes well.

thats all

:: Me again::

2005-04-21T21:34:00.000-07:00

Hey,

I'm been feeling unwilling to blog recently. I guess its after baji and i had that argument upon her reading my previous entry.
Its the realization that a blog at the end of the day isn't really my personal space after all--that there are consequences as a result of the words i type, the things i say.
At the end of the day, my words aren't my own. They are shared amongst friends and strangers and I have to deal with the repercussions. Was I better off when I didn't bother to rehash my emotions? After all, i'd already lived through them once. Why bother scrutinising what i can't change?

Oh well, so whats happening with my life?

I cleared my napfa! no more afternoon pe!! woo-hooo!!! damn happy about that..

Must give a BIG thank-you to both hwa juinn and janyz who ran with me and pushed me all the way. I definitely wouldn't have made it without them---i'm sure i would have given up by the 3rd round. So i am super-duper grateful for all the motivation and support. Love u guys loads!!..flying kisses for all..*MuAcKz*

Later I'm going to hospital. Don't worry people, I'm perfectly fine. just gonna acc mar and char while they do their thang. That seems to be our new favourite hangout-just realised how morbid that sounds

I'm worried abt my studies. Really can't seem to get started. such a lazy bum

I'm worried abt debate

I'm just a worry-wart

:: its been a while::

2005-04-21T07:14:00.000-07:00

Hey,

haven't been blogging recently.

several things have happened. unwilling to gon into details as yet. will just do a quick summary.

one, i think i dramatized the previous entry a little. things have been fixed

two, greg is my new gp tutor. plus he's mf choir's dance and choral instructor. go figure

three, acc mar to visit afiq in the hospital today. yup.

surprised? definitely.

how do i feel about that?

uncertain and incredibly worried

but, fate is out of everyone's hands ya

que sera sera

just hope its for the best

unwilling to rehash feelings at this point

maybe another time?

just feel pretty intense

alot of emotions, in and out, really swiftly

plus its definitely conflicting feelings

yest, after school, i went mad and was doing strange things

but i never felt like screaming more in my life

felt so torn by two emotions, just wanted to scream at the top of my lungs

watever

un-in the mood

ps. i got a new hp

told u alots been happening. i'll update when i'm less tired and in a better frame of mind.

:: Alone ::

2005-04-17T02:44:00.000-07:00

Brace yourself..once again i'm in the middle of a real downer, a low point.

A part of me wants to just brush past the way I feel right now, forget and move on but I guess that's how having a blog has changed me.
I want to address the way I feel, want to figure out whats happening, want to deal with it better. And now, I have the personal outlet to do so.

Anyway, I don't want to go into details. Just some happenings at home that make me feel quite down.
I just feel really alone right now.
Not lonely but alone.
There are people around me definitely but they're not with me.

I feel like the one person I've believed to be a constant in my life,
the one who knows me best,
the one who understands me,
the one I can always go to,
always confide in,
be at ease with...is gone.

Changed, altered, different..how else do I say it?

I feel like I have to hide myself, be different around the one person I always felt I could be the most free with.

I've always understood that the people in your life--schoolmates, classmates, acquaintances, colleagues, friends will move in and out.
Different people will be there for you at different times.
Its a fact of life.
Yes, you will maintain bonds with the ones close to you but no one person will be constant.
No one person will follow you throughout your life, be in the same place as you always.
People move, work elsewhere, study elsewhere.
No matter how close, life, situations and circumstances change.
The only people who can definitely remain constant are your family.
I feel like that's changed for me.

The constant I thought would always be there, suddenly isn't.
It puts me in a position where I feel there's no one to turn to, no one to depend on.
That I really am walking this journey alone.

I don't think there was anyone I was more honest with, more open with than you. There was no one else I let in as far as you. No one else who knew as much as you. Your sudden change, difference, however you put it...it really..i don't know how I'm feeling. Its more like a sense of hopelessness. A realization, a question that will anyone ever understand me?

You'll probably say its me who takes you for granted and its me who doesn't understand. Is it? Maybe it is. I'm trying but I really feel like I do understand your situation and your problems. I don't think I've done anything that compromises that. I don't think i've asked anything of you that is unacceptable. I feel like I weakened considerably in front of you but you just didn't care. That I was reaching out to you but you walked away. I don't believe I asked too much of you but obviously here's where we disagree.

Nothing is just the literal meaning with me.
There's always more than that.
Yes, maybe its a failing of mine but I read more than just your actions but the significance of your actions too.

So now what? Do I speak to you? I don't think it'll work because you're not willing to hear me out. Because you believe i'm at fault. All i can do is pretend I guess. Pretend that I'm unaffected, that everything is normally despite the distance I suddenly feel. And through all that, remember that I can't always be asking you for help cos it makes you feel like i'm taking advantage of you.

Yesterday, when I said that i was ok already and starting to laugh and sing and joke, I felt so miserable within. Supressing my tears like that. It was the most effort I put in to disguising my feelings.

But that's all I can do isn't it? If I can't tell you, I can't tell anyone.

I can only blog about it.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the the wisdom to know the difference.

Please.

::Guilty::

2005-04-14T20:47:00.000-07:00

We just got back our project work results today. My group has only 3 members--Imran, Daphne and myself. Both of them got Band 2 while I got a Band 1. I don't know how or why there is this difference in the grades. i feel really really guilty cos I don't think its warranted. As in we all put in an equal amount of effort. Everyone contributed and I think we all worked quite hard. Honestly speaking, I think that among the 3 of us, i'm the most problematic member of the group. I'm the one who's always late, miss deadlines, postpone things to the last minute. Even till the very day of the ppt, I was late lah. I think its damn unfair. I'd rather we all get Band 2 as compared to my getting a higher grade cos I don't believe i worked harder than them. I'd like to be a happy for scoring a good grade but I really can't cos I would be so much happier if we all got a Band 1 as a group. This discrepancy with the grades makes it seem as if I worked the hardest or put in the most effort when it really isn't true. No holds barred, it was definitely, absolutely a collective, group effort---so why the difference in grades??
To make things worse, Daphne heard from Mrs Gan that our group got a Band 1 and we were all very happy and excited. I even rushed to tell Imran and we were high-fiving and everything----only to find out that I'm the only one who got Band 1. I felt so damn lousy lah..Its like lifting our hopes up so high only to find out its not what you think.
I wanted to sms a nice msg to them but char said if they're really unhappy, my msg would only make them feel worse. I guess its true. But i really feel damn damn damn damn bad lah....
I guess I'll say what i can here. I think we all really worked as hard as we possibly could and worked well as a team. I'm glad that you guys are my group members and I don't think I could have asked for a nicer group. I basically want to say thanks and show my appreciaton for all the effort, blood, sweat and tears that went into our pw. I don't know how u guys are feeling right now but just hope you know that at the end of it all, i've enjoyed the times we've spent together. All the meetings, discussions, times at lib@orchard, in school...we were really doing something, working together, and in some sense, no matter how idealistic, making a difference I think. And, thats definitely worth more than a grade, for sure...
I don't know what else to say..just thanks i guess and that I think you guys are A-List ppl and I really am grateful for the opportunity to work and spend time with u guys! In all sincerity, I mean every word. Haiz~dunno lah...hmm..

On to other things

I've been pretty busy this week. Had debate on wednesday and guides on thurs.

Andreas and Miss Ng's inspection will be conducted next week so me and Xue ying will have to go down and arrange a time for our own inspection. I don't think the girls are ready. The attendance has been dwindling and attitude-wise, they really need some work. I hope our camp can really shake things up and make things better for them. Make them see that guiding can be fun if you are open to learning and new experiences. The camp can really help in bonding if they just put in more effort. I really hope it works out. Despite the state of guides now, I'm really quite excited cos I'm in the position to fix things, make a difference, impart knowledge and ultimately guide them. I know it can be done probably cos I have seniority. But the thing is, you might not think you will enjoy an activity but after its over, you realize its worth. That its really fun or that you've learnt something. Which is why forcing them to try new things is necessary to challenge them to develop themselves and attain thier potential. So with guides, I feel like i'm doing something. That there's a proactive plan in place for things to improve and change.

With debate, things are very different. I really feel like I've let the cca down. The art and skill of debating, the passion..I let it down cos I'm unable to lead my members. Cos everyone's drifting away and they don't like coming to debate anymore. I don't even know what i can do to fix things. Feel quite useless. Additionally, we're all friends which makes things worse. I don't know. I think i'm not capable cos I can't get results. Yah, once again, makes me feel inadequate I guess but its true. To be honest, I never wanted to be the prez but once I was, i wanted to work hard, make things happen. More organization, goals, structure and all that jazz. But it just didn't work and I think its my fault cos I can't be firm enough to implement all these. I dunno.........................
its damn depressing to recount how i've just been lousy at upholding the responsibilities of my role. Why can't I be inspiring, motivating so that everyone wants to come and contribute? But i'm not..I can't make them do things they don't want to and I can't make them want to do them either...bleahx..

caught me in the middle of a downer i guess...preocupied with me as usual..

icky..i know things won't change so there isn't any point...but..well..if only..then i wouldn't feel so damn guilty like I should have, could have done more...hmm...

thats the end of my ranting..need to go think of happy thoughts..

:: Not feeling so good::

2005-04-12T05:19:00.000-07:00

As the title states, I am not feeling so great today.

Woke up with the most horrible throbbing pain in my stomach. Like a mixture of super bad cramps and a stomachache. Couldn't get out of bed. School was honestly the furthest thing from my mind at that point. So, I didn't go in the end.

Felt better mid day. tried to do something useful by cleaning my table and filing all my loose sheets of paper. Planned to study after but i totally lost the mood.

Feel all stuffy and tired now. I must be acting up to an allergic reaction. My eyes are tearing and my nose is all runny. Feeling pretty lousy now.

Feeling guilty cos i didn't study and u can't believe how way behind i am in my study schedule. Its terrible. i don't know what i'm doing.

Feeling worse cos it seems like i'm not in school practically once a week. What must miss kwok be thinking? I dunno, some days I feel that if i don't get a break and cut loose, i'll just explode. But today, i'm just feeling sick..icky feeling..

Don't feel like blogging any more..

Thats the end..

::hmmm::

2005-04-10T07:41:00.000-07:00

Its been pretty much a hazy lazy weekend.

?Friday?

Was fantastic..super duper fun. Went out with J, Has, Nor and Mar. We watched Samara at Suntec city. It was really scary! There were a lot freaky scenes and I was sitting beside so many empty seats on my right. I kept imagining a figure beside me. It totally freaked me out. I kept shifting postions in my seat, edging closer and closer to Has. There was this one point, I was the only one screaming in the whole damn theatre! Damn embarassing..I just kept hoping it would end sooner. Felt so relieved when it was over. I mean, honestly, the whole movie was played in perpetual darkness with figures lurking in the shadows. Bleaghx...

Anyway, after that, we took lots of pics and went to have dinner at this halal chinese food stall. It was pretty funny. There was this apek who came to take our order and we couldn't understand a word he was saying. Like he was talking some strange mixture of malay and chinese. He kept mixing up our orders and in the end noraini was like "alah, aku tak faham ape die cakap lah". Then another guy 'rescued' us and came to take our order instead. It was really really funny and we couldn't stop laughing.

Really enjoyed myself. We spent most of the day laughing and chillacksing. I don't know why but everytime we go out, I feel this sense of freedom but more like, I feel appreciated? I dunno, like i'm valued, i contribute and they care about me. Yeah, in a way, its a sense of security because I really feel like they care about what I'm feeling, whether I'm happy and comfortable. I guess its all part and parcel of those lost carefree sec school days. Feels great to be reliving some semblance of it. Really love u babez! I hope you know that i'm always here for y'all, every step of the way.

?Saturday?

Went to study with Char, Lene, Shan and Li Yao at AMK KFC. I was quite late due to some unforseen circumstances. When I arrived there was some elaborate plot to make me think they were angry with me..was worried for a few seconds but once shannon brought me to the toilet and called their names, I knew something was up.

It wasn't really productive. I ended up doing very little--just organizing some geography notes and points. It was the rest of the day that was interesting. Char and I went to Rotiboy to try the roti. It was nice but it got a little muak after a while. Anyway, we found a wallet and walked to the police post to return it. We had to wait there while the guy filled out some report. There were so many flies in the damn place! Dis-goos-ting! Anyway, he gave Char this Letter of Commendation thingy to be given to the principal! So funny, could just imagine Mrs Ho reading it out loud during the morning assembly going Charmaine Wong Shi Lei, S8728... has brought "grorier" to NYjC. She has performed an amazing civic-minded act-returned a wallet! Lolz..Its a bit strange lah. And Char has to give the letter to Mrs Ho herself. how strange can it get?
Anyway, Char was having some strange affair with the policeman. He was decent looking but so fierce..as in unfriendly. But Char..haiz~kept laughing non-stop in the police station. She thinks I don't know but I do--it was all a ploy..hoping he'll be mesmerised by her laughter.
Did it work, you ask? Maybe? After all, he did accidentally on purpose forget to return her IC to her. And when he did, he flashed her a dazzling smile--the first hint of friendliness we saw the whole time we were there. And then, barely 3 minutes after we left the station, he gave her a call. Oh sure, he pretended it was to ask if we had left a jacket behind but I know better. In any case, the jacket belonged to a lady who entered the police post after us. We met her along the way and told her about the jacket. And then, Charmaine just HAD to call the guy back to erm..let him know that the lady was on the way back. But you and me, we're not so dense are we? I knew exactly what was happening, a silly flirtation, an excuse to hear each others voices and keep the contact numbers. Oh well, I shall i pretend I am unawares..*wink*

After that, we walked 2 bus stops away before boarding the bus home and the strangest thing happened. I missed my stop. And it wasn't because I was sleeping or anything. It was like my brain stopped functioning and i couldn't register that I was way past home. I mean even when i saw my bus pull up beside this 147 bus, i didn't think that 147 does even pass by any area near my house. I didn't realize it until the bus stopped at the interchange and I was so shocked. Like where on earth did my house stop go? Why didn't I recognize it at all. Was pretty creepy actually..had to wait for another bus back , all alone and in the darkness..

?Sunday?

It was a super lazy day. Watched vcds all day long. I watched HUM TUM which is a fantastic Hindi movie. i watched it twice and i really really really really like it!!! I watched Swades too..its ok, alright but a leetle draggy..

Ok, thats all for updates in my life.

Here are my thoughts for the day. Different people bring out different sides in you. Different groups of people bring out different interests, different tendencies in you. I found that to be really true and i've been struck by it recently. But it doesn't mean I'm faking anything or am not myself. I think these are all aspects of my character as I learn to grow, adapt and fill into the role of my life. So there's a need to stop comparing and measuring against invisible yardsticks. Because if you think about it, u can never measure ppl against people simply because everyone is an individual--unique. Appreciate that every individual you meet adds to your life story in whichever way fate deems it and celebrate that fact. The sooner you do, the better cos you'll realize that you can't make things the way you want them to be. But leave it to the works of fate and nature and it just may turn out better than you could have ever planned it to be. I believe that if people went with the flow of things, they'd be happier.

Here's a nice quote I found--> " To handle yourself, use your head/ To handle others, use your heart". I completely believe in it. Everyone needs a little understanding and compassion and only your heart has the capacity to do so. And yet, with oneself, you need to use your head as well cos the heart can allow the passions of the blood to rule u too much.Isn't it interesting that the two body parts that people always rely on and depend on are ridden with weakness? Pple say "Use your head" or "Follow your heart" and yet individually neither will lead you anywhere. As strong as they seem, you've got to use them both to get on with life. Too much logic will freeze a person and too much passion will consume him. Hmm..just an interesting thought.
Anyway, enough with the philosophy. Off to bed now..Will blog again soon..

::Why Can't I Seem to Post My Entries?!::

2005-04-07T02:20:00.000-07:00

I've actually written two entries before this but everytime i click on publish post, my computer hangs! Seriously..and after that i get so lazy and frustrated that I just switch off the damn thing. Whatever~computers hate me..haiz..its a sad story
Anyway, I've decided to blog using the school computer so i have a lesser chance of it hanging on me. I'm in the library now and i'm trying to recollect what i wrote in the previous unpublished entries

Basically, yesterday was a pretty tumultuous day. It was honestly like an emotional roller coaster. There was the OCIP powerpoint presentation in the morning. It was a leetle nerve wracking but i enjoyed it. And most people seem to think we did a good job so i'm glad..but i had a hard time squeezing out compliments from ppl so u noe..lolz..

Throughout the day, I constantly felt the pressure to study. I know that the As are looming in the corner and I honestly want to work hard for it and secure my future. I made my study schedule a few days back and i planned to follow it faithfully but things just kept popping up. I've just been so busy and i'm already two days behind time. I'm supposed to complete M4M by today but i'm still stuck at ACT 1! Its like I do want to study but its tough putting the time together.

After debate, that's when everything seemed to hit me. if I was alone I think I would have cried. I honestly felt so incredibly pressured, boxed up, forced into a corner...just wanted to scream in frustration..........................................really.....................
I mean, there's so much to do. The debate term is far from over. ACJC Intercols are next month and we're probably going to send a J2 team because there won't be enough time to train the J1s. So we're going to be back to square 1. Training, working, prepping...its here to stay. It won't be over till July after JCDCs. And I was thinking of taking a step back and focusing on my studies but is definitely isn't going to happen.

On top of that, there's so little support from the rest. i feel like i'm carrying the burden of responsibility alone most of the time and it gets really frustrating, back breaking and tiring. Like I really am walking alone most of the time and there's no one to depend on or reach out to..I was really in that type of mood..it was a real downer.

But then, I went with Mar to meet J, Has, Nor and San. I was really sooooooo damn happy to see everyone. We were just talking and laughing like old times..without a care in the world, just making a lot of noise. i felt really carefree and more peaceful and relaxed than I've felt in a long time.. It made me realize how much I missed them all cos once we parted and I got on the bus, i felt this poignant, sense of loss type of emotion...but i was sooo glad that we met up. it was so fun and it was great to just be chilling and talking.
Noraini was like sooo damn funny in the bus.. with her..watever..i can't even type it! i was like rolling on the floor with laughter..close to tears!! haven't laughed like that in a while..
it really lifted my spirits..made me feel like I can do it, things aren't so bad..I luv u babez!! Every single one of u..even if i don't always msg, you guys are all always close to my heart!
I hope we do manage to meet up more frequently but I know once school starts and everything it'll get tougher. That's why I really treasure this period of time when we're all still freer and able to meet up.
Looking forward to friday!!! Can spend the whole day gedder2!
And I hope the chalet happens...can just imagine it..
So the day was strange for me...was really really down and den really really happy!
That's all folks..

::WhirLwiNd::

2005-04-02T15:16:00.000-08:00

A lot has happened since my last entry, hence the title. And i don't just mean that i've been busy but that alot of emotionally significant events have taken place. Let me try to bring it all up to date.

Lets start with immediately after my last entry. It was a difficult entry to make. The next day, i felt a liitle embarrased about it. Wasn't sure how to deal with it. I think fortunately only abt 2 ppl read it--mar n char..so i was dealing with their reactions. It wasn't too bad. Didn't change things (at least i don't think it has). It just led me to thinking how my personality does have two polar opposite ends. In retrospect, i'm glad I made the entry. I do feel liberated by it all.

Then on fri, there was a bit of an incident in school. I made a boo-boo and i see how it was definitely my fault. I could have handled it better but i didn't. Should have thought more, considered the consequences and found a better time to say what I intended so as to avoid the misunderstandings that ultimately occured. Made me realise that i'm seldom in the position where its really my fault n my bad--didn't like it at all cos i felt immensely guilty. I think i would have alot more depressed if i hadn't been in school surrounded by ppl to whom i had to pretend to be fine and dandy. It was cleared quickly but i realised i had to be more aware.

To u, whom i made the mistake to: I've explained as much as i can and know how. Hope u see what i'm trying to say. I truly admit my mistake. hope u can see that it wasn't intentional and understand why i made it. For the final time before we both put this behind us, i'm sorry.

To u, whom it revolved around: My words don't come close to explaining how I feel. My guilt here is smothering but i feel its unforgivable--the consequences of my mistake on u. I'm sorry that it has to rehash things. i'm sorry it keeps happening this way. I'm sorry you keep having to relive the demons in your past. I wish i could find some way to end it so that you could find the peace you need to move on. But, I can't. All i can do is tell you i'm here for u, always, and that i know you have the strength to put this behind you. You've put your life back together and the only place to go is forward. You can make this journey despite the snags in your way. Grab the chance of today and build life the way you want it because you can and its in your hands! I leave you with this quote..
"Yesterday is a piece of history,
Tomorrow is a mystery,
Today is a gift"

In any case, that was just covers the beginning of a really long and emotional day. I had the last round of the Julia Gabriels Secondary School Debating Tournament. I adjudicated 2 real debates and one exhibition debate. It was pretty funny..I couldn't believe some of the things they were saying! But i guess everyone starts like that..
He has the most amazing eyes fyi..Honestly, you could drown in it. It seem almost impossible or unfair how good-looking he is...yeah, just had to mention that...

After it was over, i went to AMK Mac to eat with char. Shannon went off to meet KJ. Things were fine initially but then there was another incident. To do with a msg she received from him. She was pretty down, saying how she didn't want to go home. Felt unsure what to do. Then i saw her blog. Left her a taggie but i'm not sure if it'll help. I'm all out of words and i do feel incredibly helpless that i just can't quickly fix things. But it doesn't work that way. All i really can do is offer you my shoulder, my words of comfort and all u need from me. I really want you to be happy and free of the emotional trappings that weigh u down. I'm right here for u babez but only u can put urself back together, look everyone in the eye and say i'm stronger that u noe and move on..i believe u can, i wish you'd believe me..

Something else happened on fri that appears pale in comparisn after everything else. I dropped s paper lit. Mrs Teo came to speak to me and after hearing her out I guess its for the best. But it doesn't stop me from feeling demoralized--like I'm not good enough. My confidence in my ability is slipping and it scares me. In some ways its a relief but in many other ways i do feel really disappointed. I know all the rational arguments but it doesn't stop the way i'm feeling. I know i'll get past it but in some manner, I feel a little inadequate..*Haiz*..

Alright, so friday's out of the way. Saturday was the GPA finals. Mar called and woked me up at 5.45am. I had to rush to get ready and meet her by 6.25am at AMK Central. There was a lot of work. We loaded all the things in to the bus, helped prepare the auditorium and finalized alot of other details. I was a marshal so I was in charge of the holding room with Dee. It was quite terrible. I was on my feet the whole day from morning to night. I was exhausted by the end. And it was so hard to manage the schools cos the area was tiny and we were cramming 10 schools there. It was noisy and hard to control movement. I got to watch some of the performances so it was quite fun. Westspring Sec won, SP 2nd and TPJC 3rd. It was an unexpected champion and i think many of the more 'veteran' schools were not very pleased. But u noe, it happens..I didn't watch Westspring's performance but I heard that it was quite different. Mardiana and Fazli were the MCs and I think they did a very good job.. they engaged the audience and it didn't really lapse into awkwardness..Was quite a fun-filled atmosphere. I enjoyed it even though I was really very tired. It was fun cos everyone came together to put up this collaborative effort. Like some sense of unity and common goal. So i did feel a sense of accomplishment that it was a definite success. Good job to all! After it was over, I went to Toa Payoh Banquet to eat with Mar, Liyana, Mazeedah n Faridah. Was quite fun! By the time I got home it was 11pm..Really tired!

That's pretty much it. Its already such a long entry with me sticking to outlines instead of all the details. Its been a long weekend so far. Hope things pick up from Mon and hope that I can actually start studying!!!!!

*Noticed the new blog skin?*I did as much as I could but still have some unfinished thing that I totally dunno how to do! Will ask Char..

..feeling quite low..

2005-03-30T08:09:00.000-08:00

It hasn't been a good day today. Felt down for the most part of it. I had a really strong urge to blog in the middle of the day but the mood is a little lost now. I hate rehashing everything in my mind. I just really want to forget. I hate acknowledging that things aren't right with me, that i'm unhappy. I'd rather force it out of my mind and be happier. Normally, this works for me--glossing things over and not dwelling on them. But its days like these that I can't quite do it. There's too much to handle and my head is spinning. Trying to think about what happened and decide how i feel but its tough. Its probably because of these kind of entries that i was unwilling to start a blog in the first place. I'm not sure if I want anyone to read what i'm saying here. I haven't even figured it out for myself, how do i explain it to others?

During the invitationals period, when things were really stressful, I felt pressured. As if i was being pushed from all sides with an incredible amount of pressure that i just couldn't deal with. That was a pretty bad feeling and it was tough pulling through with expectations from all sides. But, i think that what I felt today was worse. It was only a short period of time and it wasn't like intense pressure but it really made me feel down.

What was/am i feeling? Hollow...there's no other word for it. Sometimes I feel like I'm like one of those plastic dolls of figurines. Expected to be a certain way, act a certain way, with no thought about what's within me. That there's nothing of worth to really sit and ponder over. Thats how I felt today. So incredibly alone..

I try to be there for everyone.
I try to give you comfort and support you as much as I can.
I try to share in your happiness
I try to keep you close to me and figure out what's wrong especially since you don't share
And I do all this cos I want to, cos its important to me to be there, dependable and reliable. I don't mind it in the least and will keep doing it to the best of my ability.
But today...today I just wished that someone would look at me and really see me.
That's they'd realise that maybe I need someone to reach out their hand. That i get weak too
That I can't make it on my own much longer
That i can't pretend everything's okay and feel this empty anymore
I wish that someone would hear my silent cries for help and offer it
That I'm ready to explode but no one seems to see
I felt so incredibly insignificant and alone. That I really am fighting my own battles

I don't need someone to hover around me and I don't expect it of anyone. I just wish that people would help me out more. That they see that i'm in a difficult position and they'd help me out. I'd be incredibly appreciative if they just took one load of my back. Offer to do it cos its breaking me to carry it all on my own. To see that when I'm asking you to help, I really need it.
I was just thinking back to the invitationals period. On that day when everything was really messed up and I was dying of stress and i needed to get that tape. Nobody would help and everyone I called or asked was unwilling. I was at my wits end and I just felt so frustrated--like i was banging my head on the wall...and then I found out that Alvin had done it. The feeling was indescribable. I couldn't stop the tears n i'd never felt so grateful just cos someone cared enough to help me out and ease my burden. to see that i really couldn't do it, that i was falling and handed me a lifeline. That's all i really want. Just a little help---not all the time of course but just when I need it most. Just so i don't feel so alone and so that i can make it through.

I don't understand myself. Am I really just that fake? Why is it that when i'm feeling low and down and moody and someone asks me if i'm alright, i'll give an automatic yes. Why can't I ever say , "no, i'm not ok. Could you pls help me out?" What is it with me? Why do i smile when all i really feel like doing is crying? Why don't I ever say what I'm feeling? Why do i hide so much? What am i afraid of? How is it that i can be crying on the phone but never let the person on the other side suspect it? Why do i refuse to let you in to my world? Why am i so intensely private? How can I avoid feeling alone if I don't tell ppl enough? But I'm not the type to say everything out. I believe in talking conflicts and problems over but when it comes to me, myself and I, I don't even let myself think about it. If I didn't have this blog. I'd just sleep and forget it all by the morning. Even now, do i want to publishh this entry? Do i want to share this side of me? To be honest, I don't. I don't want people asking me about it n having 2 explain something that i keep alien and foreign to even myself. But i feel like I need to let it out. Like its time and this is about the closest I'm going to get to doing it. So i think I will publish it.

I'm feeling better by now. I'm having a moment of weakness and i'll be fine really soon. I don't really want to go on about myself and i know that there were other problems facing other people today, but there's only so much I can write about. And i think I really needed to get this off my chest.

that's it..

2005-03-28T07:50:00.000-08:00

Hey,

I spent most of last night looking through all sorts of blogskins for my bloggie so it will look better. I think I literally viewed close to 100 skins! Seriously! I narrowed it down to under 10 but nothing really grabbed me. I'm completely illiterate and unsavvy with all this html crap! Shall get charmainey to give me a hand. She was supposed to help me today but i guess we both forgot. Hopefully we can do it tmr ya?!

We ended up going to J8 to watch Miss Congeniality 2. I thought it was alright, quite funny and interesting but I think the first one was still funnier. But its worth watching cos there are other issues that are definitely food for thought. (Dun be mad ya Mar? Will keep my promise, dun worry)

There was actually something that happened today. I'm not sure if i wanna mention partly cos i'm lazy and i dunno, i guess i'm hoping that if I forget abt it, it'll all fix itself. Wishful thinking i guess. Just gonna leave a quick msg abt it: I think that all parties have to be more open and tolerant. Yeah, that's all for my words of wisdom today. i'll say more if things blow up..just really hoping that it won't!

I don't know why friendships are so eventful and tumultuos in NYJC. There were definitely less of such conflicts/disagreements in sec sch. I think its pretty stressful. I hate confrontations and arguments of these sort. As in its not a big enough problem to ruin friendships over cos it can be fixed. And yet, everyone will get really emotional and that's what leads to these unreconcilable differences. haiz~ stressful..hope it all works out

tired..both mentally, physically and emotionally
dreading sch jus cos i hate it more n more as the days pass..
wateva..gonna go now..will blog soon..
*hope if i get a nice skin soon*

Finally Jumped on the Bandwagon

2005-03-26T15:57:00.000-08:00

Hello world!

So, i finally got with the programme and got myself a blog. Its interesting why I hesitated so long. I've always felt that the idea of publishing your thoughts and feelings online where anyone can see them is incredibly scary. I mean, it makes you so vulnerable. And yet, i thought it would be really liberating to try out. So here I am, ready to give it a shot!

I haven't told anyone about it yet. Or even that i'm thinking of setting up my own blog. I guess i will soon..maybe..but i'll see if this even works out in the first place. I have this vague memory of setting up a blog or online diary once that completely fizzled out. This blog could have the same fate so i'll just see how it goes, ya.

I think i'll explain the walking dichotomy bit. I chose that cos I really think thats what I am. I guess it comes from the Gemini in me but i really think its true. My thoughts, feelings and actions can be really conflicting most of the time. So, i never quite get what exactly I mean or what I want at the end of the day. Confusing? I guess, but it makes life interesting =)

Alright, so that's all for my first world. I've officially joined the realm of bloggers..haha..strange~
Will blog once I have anything more interesting to say!

Through My Looking Glass

*::Loong weekend::*

*::haiz::*

*::yippee::*

*::well-rested::*

*::bittersweet::*

*::heya::*

*::feeling better::*

*::messed up::*

*:: missing me yet? ::*

*:: Me again::*

*:: its been a while::*

*:: Alone ::*

*::Guilty::*

*:: Not feeling so good::*

*::hmmm::*

*::Why Can't I Seem to Post My Entries?!*::

*::WhirLwiNd::*